It's a stark admission, and one Kanda knows he would not have received so openly had Lavi been wholly in his right mind.
That it takes the other man this much, to be this far gone with a disease that they cannot rid themselves of so easily, to gain such a naked measure of truth... it's a weight to carry, whether Kanda wants to accept it or not. Because this?
This isn't 'Lavi's' truth, and it's not 'Bookman Junior's'. No, this is the remnants of whatever remains of the original soul within this man, long since buried under a menagerie of personas. It's from that rare glimpse of someone else, mixed with the sweeping strokes of what comprises the parts of 'Lavi' that are slowly, painfully, becoming just as real as 'Yu'.
It's not something Kanda is willing to let go, not at any price.
A wager then, this thing Lavi's asking of him. To pit his own resolve against the mysteries of his partner's past, the stubbornness of someone attempting to abandon their soul and ground it all at once...
Only once before did he attempt such a promise. The memory of it is hazy, uncertain as it rings through his fevered mind, and yet he can feel the lingering loss of it all the same. The promise to look for 'that person', the longing for them... the loss of them.
And in this moment, he falters.
"He's the one person I didn't want to lose!"
"Just watch... until my soul is crushed..."
"Please don’t let me disappear"
Reflexively, Kanda's arms tighten around Lavi, fingers carding through ember shaded locks to cradle the back of his partner's head - the decision made before his conscious mind could fully grasp the depth of memory, the echo of loss a goad to quicken his determination, now, as he shifts back just enough to press his forehead to a fever-warmed one before him.
And this time, when he speaks, there's an unmistakable note of finality, of an unconquerable will behind the words being issued to tether his soul.]
Whether it's you or anyone else - I won't let this go to anyone. This is ours, and I'll be damned or dead before either of us lose it. That I can damn sure promise you.
no subject
It's a stark admission, and one Kanda knows he would not have received so openly had Lavi been wholly in his right mind.
That it takes the other man this much, to be this far gone with a disease that they cannot rid themselves of so easily, to gain such a naked measure of truth... it's a weight to carry, whether Kanda wants to accept it or not. Because this?
This isn't 'Lavi's' truth, and it's not 'Bookman Junior's'. No, this is the remnants of whatever remains of the original soul within this man, long since buried under a menagerie of personas. It's from that rare glimpse of someone else, mixed with the sweeping strokes of what comprises the parts of 'Lavi' that are slowly, painfully, becoming just as real as 'Yu'.
It's not something Kanda is willing to let go, not at any price.
A wager then, this thing Lavi's asking of him. To pit his own resolve against the mysteries of his partner's past, the stubbornness of someone attempting to abandon their soul and ground it all at once...
Only once before did he attempt such a promise. The memory of it is hazy, uncertain as it rings through his fevered mind, and yet he can feel the lingering loss of it all the same. The promise to look for 'that person', the longing for them... the loss of them.
And in this moment, he falters.
"Please don’t let me disappear"
Reflexively, Kanda's arms tighten around Lavi, fingers carding through ember shaded locks to cradle the back of his partner's head - the decision made before his conscious mind could fully grasp the depth of memory, the echo of loss a goad to quicken his determination, now, as he shifts back just enough to press his forehead to a fever-warmed one before him.
And this time, when he speaks, there's an unmistakable note of finality, of an unconquerable will behind the words being issued to tether his soul.]
Whether it's you or anyone else - I won't let this go to anyone. This is ours, and I'll be damned or dead before either of us lose it. That I can damn sure promise you.