[Something so small should not weight so much - and yet the vial in his pocket? He can feel the heaviness of it, can feel the burden of it pressing against his hip.
He's guessed and second guessed this option over and over since they'd left the monastery, and in truth he's no closer to knowing if it's really a good idea or bad - but he knows, at the very least, Lavi think's he's the idiot this time around.
(And a large part of him agrees. It's just being smothered by the rest of his mind, the majority that is weary and exhausted, that needs a relief from battles relived and tortures remembered every damned night.)
Lavi had mentioned doctors he's used, that he trusts enough to at least patch him up in their everyday lives. Ones not associated (or only marginally so) with the Company or the Nine. But his reaction is visceral - it's not something he can entirely control, this blind rage, the automatic switch flipped to survive at any cost, to take out the medical staff approaching him with more tests, more drugs. (He'd understood the other boy, back then. He'd even agreed with him to some degree, but he hadn't wanted wholesale slaughter. He'd wanted them both to live. Just live. And he'd been denied even that.) Having to endure continued 'evaluations' after all that death... the shift had happened sometime after that. He'd refused to allow them to sedate him. Had endured every test on the sharp edge of pain rather than trust them with his unconscious body and mind.
This unreasonable refusal, though, he has no way to explain to Lavi. It's a truth he doesn't know how to vocalize, and one he's not ready to share with a man that still holds so much of himself back. It's a weapon he'll not relinquish, not without a trust in kind.
Still.
Now that he's back on Noah, their rover parked and the cargo bay silent, Kanda steps out... only to lean hip-shot against the still warm hood. One hand slips the vial out of his pocket, holds it between gloved hands as he turns it this way and that, blue gaze somber, the irritation there directed within.
Just a moment's reprieve, before he'll be ready to face Lavi's judgement.]
❃ Lavi
He's guessed and second guessed this option over and over since they'd left the monastery, and in truth he's no closer to knowing if it's really a good idea or bad - but he knows, at the very least, Lavi think's he's the idiot this time around.
(And a large part of him agrees. It's just being smothered by the rest of his mind, the majority that is weary and exhausted, that needs a relief from battles relived and tortures remembered every damned night.)
Lavi had mentioned doctors he's used, that he trusts enough to at least patch him up in their everyday lives. Ones not associated (or only marginally so) with the Company or the Nine. But his reaction is visceral - it's not something he can entirely control, this blind rage, the automatic switch flipped to survive at any cost, to take out the medical staff approaching him with more tests, more drugs. (He'd understood the other boy, back then. He'd even agreed with him to some degree, but he hadn't wanted wholesale slaughter. He'd wanted them both to live. Just live. And he'd been denied even that.) Having to endure continued 'evaluations' after all that death... the shift had happened sometime after that. He'd refused to allow them to sedate him. Had endured every test on the sharp edge of pain rather than trust them with his unconscious body and mind.
This unreasonable refusal, though, he has no way to explain to Lavi. It's a truth he doesn't know how to vocalize, and one he's not ready to share with a man that still holds so much of himself back. It's a weapon he'll not relinquish, not without a trust in kind.
Still.
Now that he's back on Noah, their rover parked and the cargo bay silent, Kanda steps out... only to lean hip-shot against the still warm hood. One hand slips the vial out of his pocket, holds it between gloved hands as he turns it this way and that, blue gaze somber, the irritation there directed within.
Just a moment's reprieve, before he'll be ready to face Lavi's judgement.]
...The hells am I doing?